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Last on EARTH!

They forced me...

11/14/07 03:06 am - Almost 3 months ago...

I gave birth... to a healthy baby girl, weighing 3.140 kilos... that happened on August 18... at exactly 8:05 in the morning!... yes, we now have two daughters, Gal.... and GAYA! and this is what she looks like these days...
 
She's almost 3 months old and is getting cuter by the minute or second!

Her delivery was just so much better than Gal's (in fact, her whole pregnancy was so much better than Gal's... it was totally uneventful!). Here's a semi-brief retake on her delivery:
At about 3AM on August 17 I realised my water had broken just after I'd gone to the toilet. It was just a tiny trickle so I deiced there was no point in wakin' anybody up just yet. I just went to the PC and left a few messages in the pregnancy forum, did some web surfing... y'know, all the normal things one does after their water breaks *grin*.
Finally when the flow was getting stronger I wake Roy up at 6:20AM and told him we're gonna have a baby today... to which he responed: "You're serious????!!!"....
We packed a bag, then got Gal up. It was a Friday and there was no kindy. I called my sister, told her the news and that we were bringing Gal over to her place. After breakfast for us and Gal and after dropping Gal at sis's home, we finally arrived at the hospital around 9AM.
I told them my water had broken and they did the usual tests (confirmed that the water had indeed broken, fetal and contraction monitor, internal exam and an ultrasound to confirm the amount of water still in the uterous). After this the doctor asked me what I'd like to do (which still surprises everybody around here...) Do I want to be induced or do I want to wait for the labour to come naturally... at the time I was already having contractions but wasn't dilated at all.
I had the same conditions when I had Gal and then I chose to go straight to the delivery suite and later was induced and had a terrible, extremely long and painful ordeal. I decided that this time I was gonna wait.
They admitted me to the high risk unit where I was to be monitored and also receive antibiotics to prevent infection due to the fact that my water had broken.
While there I spent the time talking to friends on the phone, eating meals, having guests... and gradually my contractions got stronger, and after 24 hours they also became intense. I started pacing along the ward corridors, massaging myself with each contraction. By 5AM, August 18 it had become unbearable. I asked the ward midwife when does one know that it's time to go to the delivery suite. She looked at me and said it was too early... and sent me to have a shower and then to come back and sit on the ball...
I was pretty miserable by then. Took the shower but was in agony! Got out of the shower and called Roy whom I'd sent home so he could sleep before the main event. I told him I couldn't bear it anymore and that I want him with me. He said he was on his way. it was 5:30 AM.
I now went back and sat on the ball... finally the midwife looked at me and said she'd examine me internally... and I was certain she'd find I was maybe only 1cm dilated... but nope... I was 3cm dilated and I was given the green light to go to the delivery suite!
I arrived there just a bit after 6AM. The midwife who broght me said I was 3-4cms dilated and that I wanted an epidural... at the time I sure did... Roy met me there and I was given fluids in preperation for the epidural. I didn't lie on the bed, just sat on its edge and cried with every contraction.
7AM and the shifts were changing. A new midwife came in, her name was Iris and she's the one I have to thank for the outcome of this delivery.
Iris examined me and said I was 6cms dilated, and then she asked me if I really wanted an epidural and suggested I'd try a different position that will help things... I realised I was progressing really well and that an epidural might ruin things. I was also not sure I could handle sitting still during the contractions while the epidural injection took place...
I decided to try the different position. Iris got me leaning against the bed (facing the bed), partially crouching, She also instructed me to moan with a lower voice during the contractions.
Soon I was 7cms dilated and then 9 cms. All the while Iris got Roy to soak towels with hot water and to apply them to my back and this did wonders for the pain. I couldn't handle any back massages but the warm towels were amazing!
Then I was ready to push... and I just about squatted like I was... y'know... well, doin' something one does in a squatting position. I pushed and pushed and I was certain I was constipated or something... Iris just laughed and said that I had a baby's head down there...
At the very final stages Iris suggested a new position. Roy leaned with his back against the bed side and I leaned on him (my back to him). He held me under my armpits. Iris crouched before me, ready to grab the baby... and I had the urge to put my feet on her knees and she said: "sure, just do what you think you want"... and so, I was actually in the air, pushing and pushing and grunting... and then the head was out. Iris instructed me to stop pushing, and oiled the area... and then 3 more pushes and it was all over, Iris immedially gave me the baby... I was standing on my two feet, the umbilical cord still attached to both of us, holding my precious new baby girl....

I continued to breastfeed her in the delivery suite... the bonding was so quick and I felt OK right away... it was amazing. I had no pain medication and I had full control over my body... I only spent 2 hours in the delivery suite and I figured that I was in real pain for 5 hours and that otherwise I had it very easy.

And that's it... here we are 3 months later. I'm due back at work (sadly) in about a week and a half... We had some sleepless nights in the beginning until we switched Gaya from a night owl to a normal day person *grin*...

And right now , at this very moment, 4 years ago I gave birth to Gal.... and I still can't believe it's been so long...

Wow....
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7/18/07 04:56 am - Still here, still pregnant... hopefully not for long...

Can't sleep... well, couldn't... now it's almost near my wakin' hour so can't go back to bed... man I'm gonna be miserable today...

SO! If all goes according to plan I will be a mommy of two in a bit over a month... due date: August 27! As far as I'm concerned I'm ready to pop that bun outa the oven right about bloody now! The little lady inside me is givin' me extremely painful bladder massages.... My pelvice is totally out of balance and I have turned into a waddling duck, albeit, a very slow waddling duck... bahhh, I hate the third trimester, especially having to carry till the end of August, the hottest time of year... 

BUT, it's been a very good, uneventful, healthy pregnancy and I should really be grateful for this. NO gestational diabetes this time. I think bein' more careful with my diet is the cause of this, no strange anomallies in the ultrsounds, no reduced amniotic fluid... all smooth sailing so far, so keep fingies crossed for me, or as we say here: "tfooo tfooo tfooo" against bad luck.

I need to start getting baby stuff sorted but I think I'm in denial... brrrr... it's almost here... need to get baby clothes sorted and washed, get the carseat ready, check that I have bedclothes, get a bag organized for the delivery, find an arrangement for Gal for the time I'm in labour.... pshhhh... There's also additional logistics where Gal is concerned - she's supposed to be on holiday just around the time the due date comes... we just don't know what to plan ahead for....

Work-wise... my replacement still hasn't arrived... although there is somebody that the IT head wants but he seems to constantly drag this whole process... I think that he just wants to have somebody there by name ... but he doesn't really care that much if the job is done. There's been a declining interest in what I've been doin' as my due date approaches. If before he'd drive me crazy with meetings and reports and pushing things forward and courses.... now it's like... 'who cares'... I hope things will improve when I come back from maternity leave, although I would like things to not be too hectic when I return so that I can be with my new baby in the evenings... sigh... so many thoughts in these regards and not much I can do about'em.... Worried sick but gotta just move on... there's just so much I can do and I have no control over any of this and man is this makin' me crazy!!!!!!

OK, one more item - we finally bought a new PC. I decided to have this serious survey and get a PC that will fit our needs and that we will also be able to use for a good number of years. Wasn't cheap, but I'm happy with the result. I finally have photoshop back!!!! I can download movies/TV shows/songs - we have a great sound blaster!!! it's like a stereo system! This will certainly help things when I'll be on maternity leave. 

The one thing - I still have to get stuff from my old PC... a LOT of stuff... but maybe anybody who reads this can help - I want to get a hold of Tere's address (not the Creative one, that site is dead). Can anybody who has it email it to me? over at royvered@netvision.net.il . it was her bday and I can't even send an email... *POUT*

And the final ite, - PICS!!!! I just realised that the last piccies I put online were a YEAR ago!!!! You might notice 'slight' changes in my kiddo....


Sitting and watching the show during her cousin's bday over at my parents' house.

( More piccies here )



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4/19/07 07:53 am - an update? (heh, what a title!)

Yes, I'm not a good LJer... Anyway, what's been goin' on... I'm 21+ weeks preggy, and, it's another girl on the way!

So far it's been fine - the first trimester I was so tired, I sorta somehow carried myself through it - classical preggy stuff. Aside from being so tired, my home computer is in a really sad state... it's time to admit that it's passed its time - once *the* state of the art, now it's basically old... it's slow, the disk is full, and I so wish for a new one... I didn't dare reinstall photoshop on it... I wouldn't be able to open it and I miss it so much. I can PS a bit at work, but I'm very very busy so that's practically a luxury...

So anyway, my 1st trimester tiredness and the computer sadness basically put all my previous PC life on hold... it's mostly forum browsing, a bit of emuling... I stopped downloading torrents and am behind with everything... sigh.... but it's not that bad, too busy to complain that much...

Once I entered my second trimester (week 14), it was like a miracle and so by the book - I suddenly regained my life back - I could stay awake beyond 8:30 in the evening! I can do things! Go around - buy stuff, meet people, talk on the messenger till late, watch some TV shows... Wow! I was so amazed! *snort*

The only snag so far is that I was found to be a carrier of a genetic disorder called "Glycogen Storage Disease" - basically my sister was found to be a carrier, and so I had myself tested and it's a family thing. The baby could be at risk of having this disease if both parents are carriers, so Roy had to be tested and it took forever to get the results - in the meanwhile I had an amniosythesis - in Israel you get this for free if you are over 35... and I'm gonna be 37 in a few weeks (yikes!)... I still haven't gotten the results (brrrrrr)... but found out the procedure is painless! We almost had to test for the Glycogen Storage Disease within the cells taken from the amnio cause the results took too long to come - we got them at the very last minute.... like some action movie or something  - Roy tested negative and thus we are in the clear... it does mean that Gal, and future sister, will have to be tested once they plan to have children someday....

As for Gal - she figured out that I was carrying pretty quickly... when I was just 8 weeks preggy, she patted my belly and announced that I was carrying a baby girl! Who needs ultrsounds when you have preschoolers, eh? She is totally involved - kisses my belly daily, watches all sorts of birth/pregnancy proggies with me and is very excited. Still, I know it will not be an easy process moving from being the only child in the house to having to share us with somebody else... and to add to all the stress, the new one will be arriving just as Gal will be starting a new kindy and there's nothing we can do about this, despite the fact that it's not recommended that we have too many changes when a new baby arrives... but it just so happens that the new school year starts on Sept. 1st and our due date is August 27...

I also have no idea how we will manage two - and we still have no arrangement for the new one cause the woman who took care of Gal at that age has stopped working.... sigh... 

MY boss, OTOH already wants to know my plans.... bahhh, and is thinking of finding a temporary replacement for me.... I don't like the sound of this cause I'm always worried the temp will want to take over my job, or will be better than me... temps tend to try and take over the jobs of people they replace if they have no other job. Previously the guy who replaced me tried to badmouth everybody so that he will stay .... didn't work.... luckily... apparently he wasn't that great at what he was doin'... so basically I plan to take the minimum time off if I can help it.... just to make sure my workplace is safe...

OK.... how's that for an update, eh?

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1/1/07 02:17 pm - ....preggggggy....

Err, yes, still alive... I've not been round LJ much since we moved to oyr new apartment on Nov. 22nd 2006... our computer has been havin' ups and downs and although I do this for a living, I haven't had time to really fix it, plus, I'm sorta less excited about doing this sorta things...

Anyway... hmmm, aside from the fact that we moved... there's some news... I'm... pregnant... again! which is still something I'm tryin' to come to terms with *g* 'though it bein' a planned pregnancy. Somehow in my silly naive mind I'd figured that since I'm not so young, that it will take me longer to conceive, and here I am, only 4 months after we began workin' on it, and poof, I'm prego! Like my little sis said... 'we can't help it that the women in our family are just so fertile...' hell, she was *so* right!

So in fact, yesterday I went to my gyni and all he could see was the embryo sack (???)... still no pulse cause it's just too early. No surprise here... I'm 5 weeks pregnant... and mostly what I can feel are raging hormones making me a nuthead... totally wacked woman, totally impatient and it's only been about a week since I'd discovered the news... I'd think if this is how it's gonna be from now on, I'm bound to murder a few people until the end of the pregnancy *gulp*... *snort*...

It's still a secret mostly, but man, is it a hard secret to keep... I want to tell and yet I'm 'fraid about the reactions at work... 'specially with my new job and all...

I'm pretty worried mostly, which is quite typical, I mean, I'm also excited, and curious to see what will happen, and at the same time I'm terrified... I wonder how Gal will accept a new member of the family, how I'd manage with two kids and a full time, and extremely demanding, job, I wonder if I'd be able to stick to breastfeeding and sorts of other worries... crazy, eh? I should be besides myself and I'm bloody hysterical and to think I'd already given birth to one child... but when you come to think of it... I know what to expect, so maybe that makes it scary - I hope the new kid will be as easy as Gal is... I mean, it's not like Gal is all that easy and all, but she eats well, she sleeps well, she's a happy kid, she's bright and communicative... she is also a very typical 3 year old - pretty rebellious and trying to get her way... using the words "I don't want" a little too often for my liking but nothing out of the ordinary for the age... ach... man, I can't believe there's gonna be another one... I'm curious if it will be a boy or a girl, or... more than one?!! I want to see what s/he will look like... Iwant these 9 months to already be over and to find out what the future will be like... *bahhh* *grin*

And that is all *kisses* to everybody out here - happy new year to all who are celebrating!

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11/13/06 12:33 am - hello - guess who's alive?

Hi... yes, I'm still around, just in case somebody wishes to read this... yes, I didn't update in almost 3 months... mostly cause... well, I've been OK, and busy... To be honest, I created my LJ to vent, and vent I will...

First a quick update - we're moving into our new apartament next week, on Nov. 22... We've waited more than two years for this and I can't believe it's finally here... we've been having lotsa stuff installed for the new place and doin' lotsa shoppin for various important -new-house- items *g*. Of course I got hysterical a bit with too much to do and pack and all that... but we finally finalized the date with the movers and there's no turning back...

Second - I officially began my new job on September.... It's OK. I think I like it although I do admit that sometimes it's more clerical work than system with so many appointments to organize and letters to write so things will get done... there's also various extra hours, incl. crazy early morning hours too but that's OK.

Now the vent... or first really, an epiphany... I realised lately that I may suffer from a 'people pleasing pattern'... with some certain friends, be they virtual or real I tend to give up on my self in order to cater for their needs an the expense of my own - at first because I like it and like that they need things from me, and gradually because I seem to believe that they won't like me if I said no... but the worst part is, I come to expect of them to 'repay' me for my behaviour with true, strong, friendship - I expect them to care about me, to alwys need me, to always say yes to things I say... and when this doesn't happen I get upset, first inside, and then gradually this builds up and I explode at the friend, demanding they treat me well cause I deserve it (or so I believe) based on how I was with them...

I also believe that to some degree I am attracted to such people who are needy in the beginning - have some issue that causes me to want to be there for them and they are happy to oblige and speak their minds, but at some stage it turns into this co-dependency thingy... where I need them to need me... and they don't seem to have any issues with 'using' me... I mean, they don't raise the questions as to why am I always giving up, not speaking my mind, and so forth... they're happy with the way things are, and as long as I feel they need me, so am I...

How can I put it... I'm not that happy with myself right now... I'm glad I can understand what's going on, but I'm at another of these crossroads right now... this is what made me realise this has a pattern to it... my current, so called 'best friend' whom I always called cause she said she doesn't like calling or doesn't have the money to spend on phones, and whom I used to drive around to places that we both, supposedly, wanted to go to (she wanted to go, and I just wanted to be with her...), and whom I used to visit a lot when Gal and her kid where babies, suddenly, since another mutual friend of ours moved nearby, ever since I feel she doesn't need me anymore... she is always meeting with the other friend and has stopped initiating meetings between the two of us - she always talks about the other friend and she calls her... she doesn't call me cause she says she doesn't do it...

Anyway, I'm hurt... I know to some degree that she ain't fair, and I also know that I brought this on myself, by always being the one giving up... she doesn't know how hurt I am... I can't explain this to her, I know that explaining this will not help anything, and right now I wish I didn't care or need her to talk to cause the other friend seems to pop up in every conversation and it would be OK if I felt she treated us *both* as her good friends, but it's not so...

And what I do wish is for me to stop being this people pleaser. For me to be able to have friends without feeling that I don't deserve it unless I do something for them... I'm trying to figure this out right now... don't know yet what I'm gonna do... so I came here, where I could write this down... which is sometimes one of my ways to cope...
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8/19/06 02:27 am - the usual me...

I'm stressed... and worried and depressed and yadda yadda... you know the drill...
I thought I was ovulating and then I thought it's PMS... but bloody period ain't here yet and I know I'm not preggy... though the thought's been on my mind... and probably is a major stress reason...

I'm still doin' both my old job and my new job and I'm getting sick of it, bein' stuck in limbo for so long, although I think the wait for a replacement is almost over... and then we just have to see how much time he'd need me to show him the ropes... to think that when I started workin' for the lottery almost 5 years ago, there was hardly anyone around to show me anything and that I had to learn most things on my own and had nobody to really hold my hand. I was the only technician in our building - the other two techs were in another town in a different building altogether... they gave me minimal support... they barely knew me... my boss was good at getting things done but lacked a lot of technical knowledge... I created this kingdom basically - made it the position it is now... it will feel strange to leave it, though now I think I've finally accepted that this part of my life is soon gonna be over...

My worries are mostly about the new job and about gettin' strated with workin' on a new baby... I've decided to quit the studies... I'd had some debates but figured family and job should come first right now... I still have to inform the university... I'd just not been able to actually do this... been postponing the inevitable...

Now I want to stick with my original plan of tryin' to get preggy... I know I will do it (try, that is...)... I'm just worried - how will I cope with the new job and a pregnancy... I remember how tired I was in the beginning... and right now I have between 1 to 2 late evenings/nights at work... I'm talking about hours between 8PM and 1AM... sometimes beyond... I'm worried about how they'd react to this at work... will they screw my promotion? (I didn't hide the fact that this is my plan, though... and I got the job despite it...)... and what do I do afterwards... how does one manage two??? 

One child scared the hell out of me... You'd think you'd understand everything after you become a parent, but I know two is a whole new ball game... Will I still be able to be mobile like I'm now? I'm scared I'd be house-bound, my life consisting of baby/todller talk, house chores and work... I don't have that many visitors... I don't know why... maybe I should invite people... I feel like people don't want to come... like I don't deserve it... and I'm scared of being left out socially...

So this is killing me... my sleep is bad... it's almost 3 AM and I'm not in bed and Gal will wake up early and I need to cook and I've been so tired lately.... unable to get myself to do anything around the house and the house looks bad... I couldn't make myself get out of the house today I was so tired...

I wish my damned period were here... I want to get all of this over with already!!!
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7/8/06 03:43 pm

So, I'm thinking I'm gradually getting back to some form of insanity... *OMG!* The stress levels are starting to fade... probably my hormones are getting back to themselves... plus some stressing factors have been settled....

( Work stress update... )

( Issue no.2... Am I an obsessive planner??? )

OK, finally, some piccies cause I've got some new ones, and it's good to upload stuff to blogs instead of studying for tomorrow's exam *gulp*..

So the first one was taken by my friend and well, both of us actually look decent there and it's rare that there's a photo of me with Gal since I'm usually the one takin' the photos...

( More piccies inside here... )

OK... and thats' it... took me more than two hours to write... *sheesh*...
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6/22/06 02:19 pm - I got the promotion!!!

Yes!!! I am still pinching myself... the unbelievable has happened - I got the promotion!!! I got an official letter today... it's final - I just gotta wait for a replacement to be hired and I'll have to get him through the ropes in the beginning and then I move on to my new duties!!! Am happy and scared and still in total disbelief!!

HOOBOY!
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5/28/06 03:20 pm

OK, first, the IOUs... Gal pics - fresh from this month, some from yesterday and the day before.

One taste here:


( more piccies... )

Also, I'd love more input on this... and thanks [info]stiffleaves, [info]scooly42 and [info]leiascully for most valued input - and for telling me I'm not insane... (though I do feel like it right now... muwahahahaha!!!!).
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5/16/06 10:34 pm - Please wake me up... I'm living in a nightmare...

It's far far worse... I've just finished another crying session. I cry, calm down, cry again, calm down and I feel utterly alone...

Yesterday my new immediate boss told me that IThead is barring me from winning any tender I apply for, and that the person who will come and get the new tender will have most of my system responsibilities passed on to him.

My immediate boss then went on to tell me that I have to prepare for this cause things will not be great for me, but that eventually he will make sure that most of the basic support issues will be handled by the other technician and the helpdesk girl, while him and I will be handling various projects... and that's providing I stick by him and accept the hard times to come...

I asked him if IThead said specifically that I won't be doin' my system responsibilities anymore... he seemed to hesitate but eventually said that yes, that IThead said that...

Today I spoke with my friend, the sys admin, and I learnt that it wasn't IThead who asked that my system responsibilities be transferred to the new person who will come... it was my immediate boss!!! Bad enough that this is happening, but to realise my immediate boss lied to me???!!! and that's after he appeared to care for me and as if he'd save me from the boredom to come...

and it's bad, cause just about a week or so ago we had a dreadful argument and he threatened me that if I'd dare go over his head, that I will pay the price... not that it matters, since IThead will probably hand him my head on a platter, and probably toss him a knife and fork in the process...

So I can't confront him and I can't trust him and my job is goin' down the drain, and I'm falling to bits and I don't think I can take much of this any longer... I don't think I can...

sorry for bein such an awful depressing person lately...

Thanks to [info]leiascully, [info]stiffleaves & [info]starbuck42 for bein' there... I know there's nothin' you can do, but am feelin' so lonely - so your words mean a lot.
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5/16/06 06:40 am - I think I work for the devil...

I know that my workplace is awful and well, I've moaned a lot about it and somedays I think that maybe it's me who's just unhappy and it's all because of me... not anything done to me by anybody... well then, it's not me!

I've applied for a few internal job tenders for the passing year or so and have been rejected over and over again. Nobody denies my professional skills, nobody can say I've not been a good reliable worker with a strong sense of responsibility, and yet, they'd always find fault - either no managerial skills or you don't have this technical skill (not that the person who came had any of it either...). I thought my boss was just a chauvanist, or that he'd prefer having new people around and not promote the ones that had been there before him... 

heh... I was even more naive than I could believe.

There's a new tender for a security system person and rom what I was told he will probably be just a system guy... aka, the position I want, the one I've been doin' anyway without getting the appreciation or any courses in the field.

I figured no chance I'd get it... yup, I was right....

My current immediate boss went up to IThead and asked him why can't I get that job - and the IThead said there's no chance I'd get it... and when my boss prodded further, he found out that it's cause I'd gone over the IThead's head in the past... when I felt unhappy with the way things were in my regard and well... you'd think this is something a worker should be able to do... but not here. Ever since he'd been deliberately preventing my promotion - making sure I never win any tenders... 

What's worse, this new tender - it will mean that the new guy will take all my system responsibilities... things I'd been doin' for 4 years!!!!

Be that a lesson to you all... for me it's too late.
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5/14/06 11:47 pm - Potty Training SUCKS!

I'm thinking this will probably bore all the non-mommy's to death... but heck, 's'on my mind so I gotta spill.

Potty training has been the main issue on our menu lately... Gal's 2.5 years exactly today and all around her the potties are bein' pissed at *g* and that other thing... but well, it's not like I'm one to succumb to peer pressure but the kid's been wanting to test the... waters... for a while now. So we'd had quite a confusing time with Gal wanting to take her nappy off, wandering with cute shiny tushy all over the house, sitting on the toilet, the potty, and on God knows what... and mostly missing the toilet and hitting the floor, the carpet... and the worst... our computer table chair *iick!!!*

It drove me nuts cause she was willing but was unable to understand her body, but well, as long as things were this way I didn't try to fully train her - I just went with her whims - whenever she'd ask and I could oblige, the nappy would come off.

I did ask the kindergarden teacher what she thought - should we start training her? and she said to wait till it's warmer and also that Gal won't tell them once she'd done something so she decided she wan't ready. At that time I accepted it... although Gal used to announce her creations (no.2) but she stoped doin' this and I figured she just doesn't want to be disturbed with a nappy change.

But yesterday we struck gold! late in the afternoon Gal asked to remove the nappy and I obliged - she then sat for a long while on the toilet and did no.2. From then on I'd kept her in panties and she'd asked to go potty and was able to hold herself till I organized things for her and only then she'd let go. I was happy and impressed and so I decided I'd send her with panties to kindy...

You can guess the rest - it was a disaster - she'd gone on the kindy carpet 3 times, all her changes were wet and smelly - and they had to put the nappy back on and the teacher seemed upset - saying that she's not ready - I was annoyed - I ain't stupid - I know what I saw... and the difference is obviously related to how things are done in kindy - they, apperantly, march the kids in training, every 20 mins to the toilets - whether they need to go or don't... I figure she just got fed up... sigh...

OK, 's'late...

Hugs to all the sweet people who sent me bday wishes... I think it was Mem, and Mary, and Marcia and Ranee... and man... if I forgot you it's cause now I'm officially old and senile - but HUGS to all!!!!
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5/5/06 03:50 pm - it's my bday tomorrow!

So now... me's gonna be... 36 tomorrow... can't believe it.... I don't feel 36 that's for sure... bday's make me sad... make me wonder about friends, people I ain't in contact with... make me want to have more friends... bah, what a horrid depressing person I can be, eh?

am listening to radio from last.fm - I'm quite liking this - I hope I can get it workin' at work...

( Things have just gone horrid at work... )
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Current Mood: cold

5/2/06 04:47 am

heh, knew it wouldn't last... my feelings of 'hey, work's not so bad lately...'. First it was my friend's possible job offer... it really stirred me up... got me thinking again... then I came back to work after bein' away on a 3 day exam leave and well, my main feeling is that I have no control over things. I can't decide re anything cause I'm so low on the food chain.

New boss says we can take courses - but, he chooses the subjects, and they will have nothing to do with my network administration training cause well, I'm not supposed to be a net admin as far as everybody is concerned... plus that he says we can only take'em after work hours... bah...

Then the net admin told me that IThead said there's gonna be a new system position soon, but it's all hush hush... the criteria is such that I can't apply, and anyway, I'm not officially supposed to know... and I know IThead wants anybody but me... nothing new here...

so this whole issue and just being unsatisfied with how things are turning out... I want more but nobody will give it to me and they don't have to. I'm doubtful re other position although I sent my CV to my friend. I'm just ashamed of it... I know so little compared to him and we started out the same... but we were dealt different cards... and I wonder if it's my fault... if I'm to blame for the way I ended... or is it out of my hands...

it hurts... hurts me badly. I wish it didn't matter... cause other things are going well - my amazing little girl, my degree, the new apartment is on its way (the kitchen was installed today!!!), got good friends, a lovely man I love and I lost weight nicely... I just wish I'd also be happy with work... and I wonder if I'd ever be... maybe I'm never gonna be happy...

HUGS to [info]laiascully & [info]memento1
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Current Mood: sad

4/29/06 06:11 am - roller coaster... UGH!

It's true that it never rains but it pours and that Merphy's law is no myth, and you can probably never ever reach a certain balance in your life because the moment you feel like things have finally calmed down and you are happy and content and settled... BAM... something happens to change that... 

It's not even a bad thing, but it's bugging me enough to wake me up on my free day (Saturday) a bit after 5AM... plus that I know I slept bad and was continuing my debates in my dreams...

I'm actually happier with my job lately since the new immediate boss came because there's change and there's new challanges and new boss is turning out to be a decent person who cares about us, doesn't have any bias as far as women in technology goes... he appreciates hard work and isn't too crazy over ITHead's madness and I am quite OK with him being there.

Plus, I'm just about to start an easier period having just  taken my last serious exam for this year... and that's after killing myself with a rough study regime for the passing months. I'm so looking forward to spending more time with Gal... and things have been good - I got good grades in everything so far... and now there's just a few more grades I'm still waiting for... and I got 100 in the marketing exam I feared so much... and well, I was up up in the sky yesterday...

And then came a surprise phone call... It was from a guy I studied my MCSE with (Microsoft Certified System Engineer... i.e., the network administration course). We sat next to each other in class, way back in 1998-1999 and were study buddies for all the exams and we both did very well. Then I got accepted for a job an a major cellphone company and I convinced them to also take my friend. And well, they loved him so much (and well, he deserved it!)  and they promoted him from technician to team manager and then to system administrator... and he's still there... doing very well...

I left the cellphone company after a year... they didn't want to promote me... they loved me as a technician... but maybe I just wasn't that impressive... or maybe it was something else... I dunno. I moved on... but well, I technically don't feel like I've made much progress and I'm still doin' a lot of technician work, and have lately given up my dream, and am pursuing a different path... i.e., my current degree...

so anyway, back to that phone call... he called to ask me if I wanted to work in their system. He was repaying me for helping him back then... So this is where Merphy comes in... If it were like maybe 8-9 months ago, I wouldn't have even hesitated... but now? with the degree at hand, and knowing how much time this is consuming out of my time for family.... plus that we do have plans of getting even bigger... albeit slightly postponed to make'em fit with my studies (I hope...). Anyway, I'm not sure I can do it... 'course, nobody says I've got it... 

My major worries are - 
1. I think I am way way back and they might need to train me to such a degree that well, they won't want me...
2. I'm ashamed of my low level of knowledge... sigh... I didn't get that much training at my current workplace... no courses o improve skills... and no time to learn things on my own... well, at least no time for stuff that isn't job-related...
3. workin' hours... I think there will be too many... and it won't be fair on me and family... esp. because a lot of my time is also devoted for studies...

I do think I'm capable of learning... I've learnt many new systems on my own for the current job... it's not like I'm totally in the dark... I just feel like I've never specialized, and well, I definitely think I lost a lot of my motivation... I'm not the person I was 6 years ago... for good or bad...

so... it's just complicated, I need to think a bit... probably nothing will come out of it... but... who knows...

Oh, and another issue is that that cellphone company has an information specialist position and this could be something I can move into once I'm there... but... achhh... *major sigh*...

Now, all of you who are still awake... I appreciate this...

And Deviantart are still at it, BTW.... BAH!
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Current Mood: thoughtful

4/25/06 10:27 pm - GAH, deviantart!!

Deviantart is pissing me off... !!! they have a technical issue where some of the files are 'not found'... so I contacted them but all they could tell me that this is a known issue and they're working on it... that was a week ago - the problem started almost two weeks ago... and still no fix in sight... another message to them and I keep getting the same stupid reply... and I'm paying for my account - if I didn't pay I'd say, fine... my problem, but they're getting money - it's a business... a business can't afford a technical problem of this magnitude for so long. I should know - I'd lose my job if I'd let a major tech prob go by unsolved this long... I'm a paying customer - I'm right... *GRUMP*

It's upsetting cause people have asked me what's with my files... and I don't have time to send people files individually, not to mention that they're bloody heavy on the bandwidth... and well, what's also annoying is that they claim it's a known issue, but there's no announcement re this issue on the main page, and they don't bother to update you so that you can at least feel that they care... which IMO is bad bad BAD PR and bad customer service... bugger them.... *GRRRRR*

yes, I didn't put Gal piccies up... sigh... I need time for real pretty updates... bahhh...

HUGS [info]memento1
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Current Mood: pissed off

4/8/06 06:58 am

Errr, I dunno when I last updated, and well, it's just that so much time has passed. I've been stuck studying for exams which are still not over. I had one big exam yesterday and I feel like I can't do it anymore... I want to be free... it's like bein' tied down... I don't get to spend enough time with daughter or hubby... and well, it's just draggin' me down. 

Yesterday after the exam I felt like I escaped from prison or something, or that at least I was released on parol and I just didn't remember how to use the world. I suddenly had a bit of real free time and I just wanted to go do things that free people do, and I was like... err... but what????
I finally decided buying stuff for Gal is a good way to spend time...

I've not seen a lot of my friends lately, I feel so detached and yet, this is very important to me... so I try, but well, it's just too much... 

Workwise, well, we got the new guy (immediate boss) eventually, and I've got mixed feelings... At first we argued... I dunno how I have this knack to upset people sometimes... even if I didn't try to argue... he got pissed off with me for having too many questions... which I was totally confused about, and he's somewhat a showoff, and has annoying ideas about what he will do when he'd have kids (bring a nanny to raise'em)... and of course, if I don't stay overtime, I ain't entitled to do interesting stuff... which pisses me off cause it's a public service office... it's no hi-tec and I'm working more than what I'm entitled to as a mom, plus am studying... am bein' punished for this? It's not like I ain't doin' my job, or am not workin' part time or anything...

Then, OTOH, he let me take time off to study for my exams and well, that's really what mattered, and he seems to care for us and our needs, even though he barely knows us and I do think that's a good thing. He thinks his team comes first and we deserve to get special treatment and the best equipment... and he's not too mean a guy... so it's not all that awful... see? I'm not like this horrid horrid pessimist all the time... I do try... *grin*

I'm hoping to go see Dean Haglund and Claudia Christian who will be here for a sci-fi conference next week... I still don't have tickets so who knows... these are, essentially, the first *real* sci-fi superstars to come to Israel for a con... and even I, who never has time for cons... and feel a bit weird amongst the sci-fi weirdos (oy vey... I am one... but still...), even I can't stay indifferent to this major event... hey, I had my collage on the official XF site once... way way way back in the day... I was a fanatic... it's gotta count for somethin... *grin*... so, hope I get those tickets... I decided yesterday, after the exam, that I'd studied real hard for a few weeks and it just wasn't the right way to go about it... I understood more when I crammed closer to the event.... so I figured goin' to see this wouldn't hurt... I hope *gulp*

errrms.... Now then, where was I... I want to post some piccies of Gal... that will be in the next post. I need to get a post out before she wakes... *sheesh*... so, if you didn't fall asleeeeeeeepppp... there's piccies in the next post (I hope...)
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Current Mood: bouncy

1/17/06 10:55 pm - My friend's kid

I need to share.

When I was pregnant I made some good friends with girls from an Israeli pregnancy forum. Of course after a while some friendships solidified and some went down the drain. Today I went to visit one of those friends. Her son is two months older than Gal. I'd not been to her place for quite a while... and we used to meet much more often.

The thing is, I think her son has a problem... and as a result going for a visit with Gal is an issue. Her child pesters her till she cries non-stop. I took my eyes off of them for a few seconds and he'd hit her hard on the face. I'd had to constantly keep him from biting her or pinching her, from pulling at her clothes, from crushing hugs. She was hysterical after he'd hit her... she'd cry even before he touched her and Gal doesn't cry easily. She's got a very calm and happy disposition... but she was traumatized.

I'd seen this pattern forming durin' my last visits to my friend... I'd forced myself to go there today just because I didn't want her to think I don't care anymore. I tried to hope he'd improved, but he'd gone worse...

He's got some motor skill problems and can barely talk.

My friend is a sweet darling but I told her I feel so bad... but I can't bring Gal over and have her suffer like this and my friend was pretty understanding... I felt guilty both ways... towards my friend and towards Gal... but I can't see any other option. It's one thing if I, an adult, has to deal with this... but Gal sure doesn't deserve this...

My friend is having a dreadful time with her kid... he's hyped and is very aggressive with everything her plays with... I told her she should have somebody check if he's hyperactive... I think something is very wrong with him...

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Current Mood: sad

1/12/06 09:48 pm - corruption

So, to prove I'm working in one of the most corrupt places in Israel, here they're at iy again...

My boss, the head of the PC support team was given a position for which I applied for as well, despite the fact that I had inside info that they made sure my boss fit the job criteria because they wanted to move him from the position of manager of the support team. He was having issues with the administrative assistant of the CEO and she wanted him out... She tried various ways to get him fired but he had tenureship and he wouldn't budge, so they decided to lure him with a different position... he knew what they were doing but he wanted out of the support manager's spot.

I, of course, didn't lend the job...

Now they have the Support manager position available.... but, will they promote one of us to the position? Hell, no. They will of course allow us to offer ourselves.... but I read inside mail... they are going to insist on such citeria that nobody within the lottery can nominate him or herself and thus they will either disqualify all the people who will apply, or possibly nobody will apply...

They want somebody who is like a million degrees above the current support manager's level of education.... They want 3 years of experiencing in Helpdesk management, MCSE2003, some sort of junior engineering degree... and somebody who is also a hands-on person where PC support is concerned.

I'm pissed... I'm an NT MCSE... I paid a TONE of money to study for it, but I'm not getting any upgrades from work, and I'm not given the chance to prove myself in management positions... and I'm working here for more than 4 years! and well, at this rate there's no way I will be getting out of this position... not with the policy of keeping people and the bottom positions small and tiny and unimportant...

Only thing I know is that the type of person they are looking for will be way way overqualified to manage a team of two technicians and one helpdesk girl.... and way way beyond PC support... and probably way way up there salary wise...

not that it will matter... once they'd eliminated us internal hopefuls, they can do whatever they want...

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Current Mood: pissed off

1/12/06 12:08 am - textures and rant...

This is actually a texture update, but it's upsetting that I can get 26 comments on a resource post, and only 1 comment for my thoughts and feelings... not to mention thousands of my resources downloaded... so I figure... you use me, i use you.... (yea right... most likely if people pop by, they just grab d'resources... like I really don't know....

Anyway, work sucks... a friend said today that I work at a devilish place. I couldn't agree more... The last good thing about work has now been changed. My immediate boss will be moved from the position of support manager cause he got in the way... he's gettin' another job... but we, poor techhies are gonna probably get some horrid yesman for a boss...somebody who will say yes to all the top brass all the while fuckin' us poor miserable bastards... I am gonna apply, once again, for this position.... doubt I'd get it... I can do it, they just don't want me... I'm too outspoken...

Oh, you want resources... right... hmmm... Did you read all the above?... will you come and read anything else about me life? Do I have the right to ask this?... should I even bother? Am I a horrid whiny bitch? sigh... sorry, my mood is terribly foul right now...

OK, take'em...

All the goods are stored here...

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Current Mood: depressed
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